She jokes

I will die in a month

but don't know in which one.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...

She hugged me

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

Where do dead people buy their cigarettes?

At the coroner store.

Saw a book on how to resolve 50% of your problems

I bought two

What Movie does Hillary Watch when she's in a Bad Mood..?

Kill Bill.

Woman get 77 cents for every dollar a man earns.

Well, at least men get to keep the 23 cents.

Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile?

Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"

I had a little car accident

On the way home from work, I had a little car accident, I braked hard, but still hit the car in front of me. A cute blond got out and shouted "Ram me up the arse why don't you"?.

This, your Honour, is where the confusion began.....

Didja hear the joke about the piece of paper ripped in half?

It's tearable.

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin

Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ? German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.

(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)

When I told my mother I wanted to put the Christmas tree up myself...

she suggested that I should put it up in the living room instead.

If H2O is what’s inside a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9-P

How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

There, they're, their.

Recreational marijuana is legal in 10 out of the 50 states.

That's 4/20th of the United States.

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony?

The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.

Who is the most popular woman?

The one who can eat the last doughnut