She jokes

Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft!

Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle?

the Polar Bear

How I pissed off my girlfriend during sex.

I called her.

Poor Will Smith isn't getting any sleep tonight

His wife is so pissed Will can hear her ranting all the way from her boyfriend's bedroom

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant

I invented a SJW alarm clock.

It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.

A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.

He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, “hey I know what you’re about to do, and I won’t pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It’s been a really long time.

She replies, no you sicko!”

So he says “it’s cool. I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”

My wife just gave birth to our son on an aeroplane!

He was airborne

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous

For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

The man that invented human cloning has died .

The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.

So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...

And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs. "Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."

I've lost 7lbs this week.

Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".

A friend once asked me what's my favorite time of the day

I said it was simple: 6:30, hands down!

“How much wood have you chopped?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.

He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee thanks, grandpa."

"Why are you calling me grandpa?"

"Because I didn't find it yeterday."

My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?

He winked at me and said "Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......"