She jokes

A plastic surgeon was offering discounts on breast implants.

The sign read:

A sale of two titties

What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

To anyone who has a problem with pedophiles:

Grow up.

What do you call a sneaky cow?

Invisibull.

My mate Paddy called me last night.

He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."

"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"

He said, "I'm not selling them."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "If they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"

Who is the greatest?

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all

BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest

VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest

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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!

What do nervous carpenters do?

Bite their nails

Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?

Because they are all Targets.

When life closes a door

Open it back up; sort of how doors work.

How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!

So today, someone stole my Mood Ring.....

I honestly don't know how to feel about it.

90% of the women that wear yoga pants dont do yoga

And 100% of men dont care.

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

Men need to start going to target to meet women

The women to men ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet

He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"

I finally got a girlfriend

If only I could post this in any other sub

What do you get when you cross a pervert with a pirate?

AAARRRRRR Kelly

A Rooster sees a cat fall in a puddle

The rooster falls into a fit of laughter, and can barely catch his breathe. The cat climbs out of the puddle and scolds the rooster saying "that was not funny at all." The rooster composes himself and says "Sorry, but do you know what a wet pussy does to a cock?"

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.

It’s a step by step guide.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"