She jokes

So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.

They now have to use a low ha

A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.

"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"

"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"

"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"

"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

A close call.

Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.

It’s finally October, and you know what that means!

Americans might actually start wearing masks.

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.

"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

If a ring for a toe is a toe ring...

Then shouldn't a ring for a finger be a *fingering*

Today I ended a long term relationship.

I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his miserable summer.

What did the stick man say after he fell on his side?

ok

Teenage sex

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

Did you know vampires aren’t real?

Unless you Count Dracula.

I saw my girlfriend midway through sex with another guy.

So I pulled up my pants and told him to hide.

I only sleep with democrats.

That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.

I hate when people say my skirt looks slutty..

Like, who cares if my balls hang out a little?

Dad, are those gay cows? .....

No, they're Bison

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

We have the best schools for it

I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN