She jokes

If a ring for a toe is a toe ring...

Then shouldn't a ring for a finger be a *fingering*

Today I ended a long term relationship.

I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his miserable summer.

What did the stick man say after he fell on his side?

ok

Teenage sex

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

Did you know vampires aren’t real?

Unless you Count Dracula.

I saw my girlfriend midway through sex with another guy.

So I pulled up my pants and told him to hide.

I only sleep with democrats.

That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.

I hate when people say my skirt looks slutty..

Like, who cares if my balls hang out a little?

Dad, are those gay cows? .....

No, they're Bison

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

We have the best schools for it

I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

What will the 10th movie in the Fast and Furious franchise be called?

Fast10

Your seat belts

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws

Outlaws are wanted

My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.

Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

My best friend committed suicide by overdosing on Viagra...

I'm not sure he chose the best method though, it seems like a hard way to go.