She jokes

Not quite what she was expecting...

Guy: I work with animals every day!

Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-

Guy: I'm a butcher.

A geologist and his intern

A geologist and his clueless intern are outside examining hundreds of specimens retrieved from an old dig site. The intern gets excited when he finds an interestingly shaped object. He rushes over to the geologist and says, "Hey, what kind of mineral is this?"

The geologist takes it and looks it over. He smiles and says, "Good find, that's leaverite."

The intern, with a big grin, says, "Wow! Really?"

The geologist replies, "Yeah, leaverite there. It's just a fucking rock."

There are three religious truths:

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"

"Mommy, mommy! Can I lick the bowl?"

"No, flush it like everyone else"

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked about not upgrading to Windows 10 ?

"I still love Vista, baby".

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

The man that invented auto correct

should burn in hello.

What's wet on the inside, hairy on the outside... it starts with C, ends with T, and has a U and N in the middle?

A coconut.

Why is the South the best place to hide in case of zombie takeover?

Southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.

What's the best thing about an Oprah Winfrey joke?

You get the joke! You get the joke! You all get the joke!

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween..

guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

I got chlamydia from a person with special needs

She gave me the slow clap

So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.

They now have to use a low ha

A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.

"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"

"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"

"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"

"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

A close call.

Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.

It’s finally October, and you know what that means!

Americans might actually start wearing masks.

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.

"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."