She jokes

On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven’t had sex all year.

It’s getting less funnier each day I tell her.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk...

And the result was staggering.

My yoga teacher was drunk today

Put me in a very awkward position

If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.

Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.

Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”

What do midgets and dwarfs have in common?

Very little.

Not quite what she was expecting...

Guy: I work with animals every day!

Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-

Guy: I'm a butcher.

A geologist and his intern

A geologist and his clueless intern are outside examining hundreds of specimens retrieved from an old dig site. The intern gets excited when he finds an interestingly shaped object. He rushes over to the geologist and says, "Hey, what kind of mineral is this?"

The geologist takes it and looks it over. He smiles and says, "Good find, that's leaverite."

The intern, with a big grin, says, "Wow! Really?"

The geologist replies, "Yeah, leaverite there. It's just a fucking rock."

There are three religious truths:

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"

"Mommy, mommy! Can I lick the bowl?"

"No, flush it like everyone else"

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when asked about not upgrading to Windows 10 ?

"I still love Vista, baby".

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

The man that invented auto correct

should burn in hello.

What's wet on the inside, hairy on the outside... it starts with C, ends with T, and has a U and N in the middle?

A coconut.

Why is the South the best place to hide in case of zombie takeover?

Southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.

What's the best thing about an Oprah Winfrey joke?

You get the joke! You get the joke! You all get the joke!

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween..

guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

I got chlamydia from a person with special needs

She gave me the slow clap