She jokes

Never fight someone who recently smoked weed.

They tend to have the high ground.

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter

It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.

The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.

"What a shame" his dad said.

"He should have quit while he was ahead"

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it

Dictinry for sell.

Never use.

What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: "Kids,what does the little chicken give you?" Student: "Eggs!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the squealy pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"

COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg!

Fancy Dress Party tonight. Going as a masturbating guy with Leprosy

Hope I can pull it off.

What is a pirate's favourite letter?

He doesn't have one. He's illiterate.

Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

Trump actually attended Biden's inauguration

He was the crying baby you heard right before Biden took his oath

Why did princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An ambulance

I may be schizophrenic...

...but at least i have each other.