She jokes

Bill Cosby is going to have a new show

Women Say the Darndest Things

Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!

Then again...

I guess that's just how childbirth works.

My dad's a magician

Bob: What does your father do for a living?

Joe: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

Professor X: what's your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that's not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gagging noises*

I'm rather ashamed to say I haven't cleaned my mirror in years.

It reflects badly on me.

What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?

"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she is so cute, with big brown eyes.

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother, with a hunting rifle.

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail

I bought a wig for a dollar today

It was a small price toupee.

What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?

We’re closed, go fuck yourself

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?

Because he keeps repeating Chapter 11.

What is the one thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on?

They should allow guns at the Republican convention

Never fight someone who recently smoked weed.

They tend to have the high ground.

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter

It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.

The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.

"What a shame" his dad said.

"He should have quit while he was ahead"

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad