She jokes

If I am so dumb then...

How come I can complete a jigsaw puzzle in 6 weeks when the box says 3-6 years.

A frog goes into McDonald's and orderes a cheeseburger

The cashier looks at the frog and asks him: would you like flies with that sir?

Jehova

This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Using a feather is erotic. Using the entire bird is kinky

3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”

Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”

Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”

There is now a bipartisan push to legalize medical marijuana to relieve arthiritis.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

Bill Cosby is going to have a new show

Women Say the Darndest Things

Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!

Then again...

I guess that's just how childbirth works.

My dad's a magician

Bob: What does your father do for a living?

Joe: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

Professor X: what's your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that's not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gagging noises*

I'm rather ashamed to say I haven't cleaned my mirror in years.

It reflects badly on me.

What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?

"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she is so cute, with big brown eyes.

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother, with a hunting rifle.

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail

I bought a wig for a dollar today

It was a small price toupee.

What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?

We’re closed, go fuck yourself

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?

Because he keeps repeating Chapter 11.

What is the one thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on?

They should allow guns at the Republican convention