She jokes

A guy got thrown in the jail for refusing to take a nap..

He was resisting a rest.

I used to be heavily addicted to soap...

Don’t worry, I’m clean now.

When I'm sad I cut myself

A slice of cake.

A photon is at the customs window when the agent asks: "Do you have any luggage to declare?"

The photon answers: "No, I'm traveling light."

A German tourist comes to France

...a border control asks him

"Occupation?"

German: No just visiting.

I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.

He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.

"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."

"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"

"Two-thirty."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch

The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"

The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest" *Poof!* the brunette disappears.

The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest" *Poof!* the redhead disappears.

The blonde says, "I think..." *Poof!*

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

What's the difference between Notre Dame and Lucky Charms cereal?

One of them belongs in a bowl.

Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Officer 2: Hate crime?

Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I became a cop.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

What did I see while on vacation in the Middle-East?

I Saudi Arabian Desert.

What’s the difference between how daredevils and porn actresses become famous?

Daredevils get famous because of their cunning stunts.

(I thought that one up myself)

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

Roses are red, cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision

one tectonic plated bumped into another...

"Sorry my fault"

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go