She jokes

Sex is like a poorly explained joke.

I don't get it.

I dropped my swear jar

About a hundred motherfuckers escaped.

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

I broke all my fingers on one hand..

On the other hand, I'm fine.

As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool...

She said “let’s see how the date goes first”

I'm going to name my son Awesome...

...so whenever he sleeps with someone, they are fucking Awesome.

How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.

“Fucking kids are expensive”, I said

“Is”, my lawyer replied.

My friend was just crushed by a bunch of books!

I guess he only has his shelf to blame

I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test...

...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.

What is the difference between a man and a dog?

A man wears a suit and the dog, pants.

What do you call an economist that likes to eat?

An economnomnomist

A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”

Noah had just landed the ark.

After all the animals had disembarked he went back in to look around and there were two snakes in the corner crying. He said what's going on? I told you to go fourth and multiply. They replied but we're adders!

What's the difference between Trump and Hitler?

Hitler had the decency to kill himself after he lost.

What's the difference between a Pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?

A Pickpocket snatches watches.

So, this guy comes home to find his house was broken into and someone stole all his lamps.

He was delighted.

Oral sex makes your whole night

Anal sex makes your hole weak

What do I and Ronda Rousey have in common?

neither of us can last more than a minute :(

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."