Shit jokes

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children.

Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward.

My doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation.

I thought he was crazy until I saw a dragon on the way home and shit myself.

What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

A piece of shit walks into the bar

Its my dad. My dad is a piece of shit

My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

It's all shits and giggles...

...until someone giggles and shits.

I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,

even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!

What did God say after creating the first digestive system?

Shit just got real.

"Help! Is there a Doctor on this flight?"

"Uh. Shit. Not anymore..."

I can swallow a rope and poop out a lasso

I shit you knot.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, shits on the floor and leaves.

I try to fill the void in my life with food...

But it always goes to shit.

Two economists are walking in the park.

The first economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the other, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50. Later on, the second economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the first, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that pile of dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50.

The first economist says, "I can't help but feel we just ate dog shit for nothing." "Nonsense," says the second economist, "We just contributed $100 to the economy."