Shit jokes

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

I'm socially constipated...

I haven't given a shit in years

How is the Quran like weed?

Burning that shit will get you stoned.

I was given LSD and MDMA tonight

What a shit start to a game of Scrabble!!

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”

I went for an early walk through the cemetery yesterday.

And as I walked I saw a man squatting behind a gravestone. “Morning” I said to him, to which he replied “no, just taking a shit”.

I shot a turkey for the first time today...

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

What do lesbians and politicians have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

I am always a Gentleman.

I always open doors for a Ladies.

I was holding a door open for a young lady

Yesterday, ignorant bitch said to me.

"Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit."

Why don't blind people go for bungee jumping?

it scares the shit out of the dogs.

A relationship is like a fart

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

Life is like toilet paper,

you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

First dirty joke an adult ever told me, what's yours?

A pelican spots a frog in a marsh and swallows him whole. The pelican flies off and reaches a great height. Suddenly the frog pokes his head out of the pelicans butt and yells out to the pelican "Hey,how high are we right now?", the pelican replies "About 100 meters.", to which the frog nervously replies "Are you shitting me?"

People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

I can't believe DCU fans wanted to ban Amber Heard

From their movies there seems to be no better place to shit the bed.

Why did the blind fly starve to death??

Because he couldn't see shit

A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!

Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".

So I'm fucking this guy in the ass, right?

... and I'm fucking him, and I'm fucking him ...

... and I'm fucking him ...

... and then I reach around, and he's ***HARD***.

And I'm like ***SHIT THIS GUY IS A FAG!***

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I like to tell that one whenever the conversation stops at a party.