Laughing Dog
A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it. When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said: " I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film. "So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.
After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.
The father asks his kid “what’s the matter son?”
The kid replies “where are all the clowns that you say you work with?”
A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.
He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.
The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!
Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".
My wife is a horrible singer .
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college
My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent
Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, We need better break-up lines:
Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back. Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship? I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out. You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER! I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.
An elderly couple goes to annual check up together
During the exam husband starts explaining how he and God have an arrangement. "You see, if I need to take a leak during the night I simply go to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me." Doctor nods but of course he finds that a bit strange. So he brings up the issue with the wife, explaining what husband told him. Wife is shocked: "Oh bloody hell, he's been pissing in the fridge again!"
On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:
Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.
When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.
And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.
I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.
I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My date started choking last night so I quickly pulled my cock out.
"How's that going to help?" asked the waiter.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.
His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”
“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
Oh hey, Larry's sporting bling in his ears
Joe: When did you start wearing earrings?
Larry: Since the day my wife found them in my car.
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.
The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man
"Where's the good stuff!"
The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."
Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"
The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is.
A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.
The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”
“You.”
Erect your ears for this one
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
A man is walking past the mental hospital
through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.