Success jokes

Guy

Guy

Fishing secret

A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret. "What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long." "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says. "What??" "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" "I’m sorry, I just can't understand you." "Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand. "You've got to keep the worms warm."

Difference

Difference

What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?

One's a pro, and one's a con.

Bank

Bank

I just successfully robbed a bank!

Now what to do with all this sperm...

Cop

Cop

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

Man

Man

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

IPhone 6S

IPhone 6S

What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space.

Successful

Tree

Tree

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

Birth

Birth

Success is like giving birth...

everyone congratulates you in the end but nobody knows how many times you got fucked in order to get there.

Guess

Guess

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

Knife

Knife

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Gentleman

Gentleman

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

........your mother in law will come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success....

Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders

It makes sense that Bernie Sanders supports Marijuana legalization...

...because his success has hinged upon high voter turnout.

HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Fuck, I need to sleep...