There jokes

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

When it's been Halloween for a few months but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

How do you turn any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying ten babies in one trashcan. Morbid humor would be saying one baby in ten trashcans.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini due to his skill in disappearing.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

How did the orphan become famous? They said “Go Big or Go Home.”

Why did I walk across the road? To get hit by a car.

What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.

Who’s the fastest reader? Me, 'cause I’ll be jumping off so many stories.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Because it's a family company.

Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Dark humor is a lot like food. Not everyone gets it.

Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.