There jokes

My family is like a cactus: a bunch of pricks.

Do you know a way to really freak out someone who works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

Why can't orphans go on school field trips?

Parent Signature: _______

When you use Ancestry.com instead of Tinder.

I told the doctor I didn’t want brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt suicide, guess what? I failed.

Without women, sex would be a pain in the ass.

Teacher: "Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up." Class: no one stands up Teacher: "Oh, come on. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room." Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: "Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb?" Little Johnny: "No, I just feel bad you're standing alone."

Other girls be like "I want a 6ft guy," meanwhile I want to be 6ft under.

The colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I got a PS5 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.

Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don’t have Father's or Mother's Day.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

My sister thinks she's so smart; she said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at her.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

They say people are 75% water. But I'm 100% useless.

Girl: "Come over." Orphan: "I can’t." Girl: "My parents aren’t home ;)" Orphan: "Oh, cool, something we have in common."

What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.

"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1...2...3...4...5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?