There jokes

He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

The carpenter who was nailed to some wood

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I was going to tell a gay joke

Butt fuck it

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

I'm socially constipated...

I haven't given a shit in years

When I found out my toaster was not waterproof...

I was SHOCKED

How much memory does it take to store a joke?

1 Gigglebyte.

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

You're riding a horse full speed, a man on a giraffe at your side, and a ferocious lion in hot pursuit. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

What do you call Hulk dressed up as Captain America?

Star-Spangled Banner

Not all math jokes are bad

Just sum.

What do you call an owl with a PhD?

Doctor who

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A Brazilian

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

Two clowns were eating a cannibal

One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”

If someone calls you fat, ignore them

You're bigger than that

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "