There jokes

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

What do farmers say when they want to party?

Hay, lettuce turnip the beets

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Fat shaming is wrong.

They have enough on their plate already.

Hey you wanna know why they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

I'm sorry you can thank my mom for that joke

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital....

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

My drunk friend got kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row.

He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?

Around the world in eighty days.

Where can you find a scientist that's into bestiality?

In his lab!

Why does the army plant saplings every year?

To grow the infant-tree

I called “Shotgun” long before anyone else did, but I had to still sit in the back seat.

I hate cops.

one man six horses.

a man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.

I saw a guy with his dick in a jar of peanut butter

... he was fucking nuts.

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia on a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn't work!

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One of them isn't an elephant.

A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.

My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"

I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night...

He had 7 dudes on stage, all hypnotized, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F*** ME". What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.