Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.
The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down." "The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back." "The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."
Bunny
A little girl walks into a pet shop. She asks the owner for a bunny, to which he responds "what kind of bunny would you like? A cute black one, an adorable brown one or perhaps a sweet little white one?"
The girl looks at the owner and answers: "I don't think my python really cares..."
Yesterday, in a job interview, the guy asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no, but, I would give Bohemian Rapsody a go.
If I wasn't too busy adulting...
I'd be kidding
I think they made a mistake when they named childbirth “delivery”.
It should have been called “takeout” instead.
Did you hear about the Mexican racist?
He joined the Que Que Que
Twerk
1. To dance using predominantly your bum, usually sexually.
2. Where people in Yorkshire go Monday to Friday
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef!!!!! What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Your mom.
My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.
I told her it's just a plant
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
Blowjobs do not relieve headaches
The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..." So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar. I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.
Why did the female crocodile leave her husband?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
I like my coffee how i like my women
WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM JESSICA YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!
I taught my wolf to meditate
He's aware wolf now
What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?
"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"
"Welcome. We're glad to have you"
Did anyone see the joke I made about the chiropractor?
I posted it here about a weak back.
Girl: "Come over"
Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies when we're having sex, over."
What's E.T. short for?
Cause he's got little legs
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around,she started crying and getting very cranky,so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered around,she sobbed "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"
A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.