There jokes

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir/Madam,

We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material

We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

What do skid marks on the toilet bowl and girlfriends have in common?

They're both easy to piss off

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Do you know why insulin has gotten so expensive?

Well, it’s not called Liveabetes, now is it?

Apparently I snore so loudly

It scared everyone in the car I was driving!

Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment

She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

A Woody Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car

With Wooden Seats

Wooden Tires

And A Wooden Engine?

It Wooden't Start

News from the sexual health clinic

A friend of mine received news from the sexual health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V

I will never forget my daughter's first words.

Where have you been for the last 12 years?

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A piiig

Putin dies and goes to hell

After a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he decides to visit Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin finishes his drink, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros

Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"

A woman purchases an antique mirror...

in front of the mirror she playfully says " mirror mirror on the door, make my bust-line fourty four " and her breasts grew to enourmous proportions. She quickly ran to grab her husband and he decided to try it " mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" and his legs fell off

Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...

Having 12 close friends after age 30!