A man walks into a bar, and the second he does, the bartender tells him of a bet.
He says, "You see that meat on the ceiling? You have three tries to grab it. If you grab it within three tries, you get free drinks for life. If you don't, you've got to buy the whole bar a round."
The man contemplates for a while, but eventually answers. "Nah, I'll pass. The steaks are too high."
I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.
It's by Dick D. Spencer
I don't always roll a joint, but when I do
It's my ankle
Old people love
My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.
Three old women were sitting on a park bench...
...all of a sudden, a man ran in front of them wearing a long overcoat. He opened up his coat, and he was wearing nothing underneath. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
I organized a threesome last night.
There were a couple of no shows, but I still had fun.
I thought of having a threesome
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?
A side hustle.
A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol
So I gave it to the homeless man
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor?
One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.
A little girl asks her mom, "Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?"
Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."
I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.
A vagina.
A man walks into the bar...
The bartender: "Hi Dave!"
The boss faints.
My wife asked me to get a Vladimir Putin tattoo.
When I got home she asked me about it excitedly.
I pulled down my trousers and showed her my crotch, where the word "Gigawatt" had been tattooed on my penis.
"What the fuck is that?" she yelled.
I said, "It's a prick with too much power."
Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her Tourettes.
Turns out she doesn't have Tourettes.
I am a Cunt and she really does want me to Fuck off.
Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores?
Because slavery is illegal.
The lawyer just told us that all of our late grandfather’s assets are Frozen.
No idea why he bought so many DVDs of the movie.
What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster?
My zipper.