My grandad just passed away...
We were really close and he was always competitive with me. No matter what game we played, tennis, cards, or even Xbox he would always try to win.
So it was only fitting that, and I’ll never forget this, on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath. He looked at me in the eyes and said...
"Staring contest... GO."
How do you spot a blind guy at a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
The wife told me the cat had to be chipped.
I only have a nine iron but i still got it over the shed
You’re in a room with a hundred dicks. How many do you choke on?
“None.”
“Wow, you’re that good?”
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.
Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.
What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?
A little kid shouldn't run with scissors and a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs
I’ve just been told I have xenophobia.
I bet I caught it off some damn foreigner.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website....
It asked me if i accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?
What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand?
He screws, nuts, and bolts
Sent to Jail.
After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.
Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...
How many people does it take to change a light bulb?
One, me, I'm the only fucker that seems to do anything round here
The Guy who stole my diary died
Now my thoughts are with his family
What do you get when you spell the word "man" backwards
Flashbacks
in for a penny, in for a pound
A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the $5 bill?” He replied, “Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!”
I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms..
I was about to pay for it when I heard 2 girls laughing at me.
I looked at them straight in the eye and said, "Make that 52."
Now both of them have condom balloons :D
What do you call a Dothraki mathematician?
Khal Culator
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease." The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies.
For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house