There jokes

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!

Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".

My friend Ted wants me to be a nice person and quit drugs

But I'm a dick, Ted

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?” The second replies “yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs!”

Breasts are like beer...

Men may state a preference, but we'll take whatever's on tap.

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

Why does MLK only get one day, while sharks get an entire week?

I guess it's because they're great whites...

I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.

Seriously, what is the world cumming to?

I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman...

...would hurry up and pick a suspect.

Who cares if you pee in the shower?

The bride and all her guests, apparently.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

' Z A S T R Z E Z Y N S K I '

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...

She said, she's sorry she ever married me.

“Dad, have you seen my sun glasses?”

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just

a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away

What's the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls

Don’t be ashamed of who you are .

That's your famlies job.

I came home and found my books all over the floor

There's nobody to blame but my shelf.

What does a perverted frog say ?

Rubbit