There jokes

I asked a train engineer how many times he had derailed.

He said

"I don't know it's hard to keep track."

Your essays should be like a girls skirt.

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and on the desk by Friday midnight.

Why is twelve an unfair number?

Because it's two against one

I have a friend who is sexually attracted to inanimate objects.

I don't see him much though. He always has stuff to do.

On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.

He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers? The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

So my girlfriend wants to roleplay as a 14 year old...

I told her "why bother? You'll be 14 in a few years anyway"

A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?"

And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

We had a trans friend come over for Christmas this year

He said he can’t wait to eat, drink and be Mary

I'm allergic to sharks..

..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

Me: “Mom, meet my girlfriend.”

Mom: “Are you sure about this? You deserve better!”

Me: “But Mom, I love her so much...”

Mom: “I was talking to her...”

Finally realized why the end of my rifle always tastes so salty

Because whenever I put it in my mouth I’m always crying

Nobody wants to die alone.

That's why I'm training for my pilot's license.

1 in 6 people...

find Russian roulette mind blowing.

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

Blonde Joke of the day

Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

The ungrateful bitch spat it out.

I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny

Because he's my newt

What's great when you're at work, and terrible when you're in bed?

Getting off early

I was brought up as an only child.

I enjoyed it, but it used to really piss off my sister.