There jokes

If I had a dollar every time I didn't know what was going on

I would be like, why am I getting all this free money?

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don’t like the Flinstones, people from Abu Dhabi do.

What is a dyslexic person's preferred alternative energy source?

It's unclear

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

"Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?"

"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."

What's the difference between being hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless.

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

What i If told you:

You read the title wrong.

How many dead lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than 6, because my attic is still dark. Very dark.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue Paint

Fuck, I’m bored

I told my son to stop playing russian roulette

But you know how it is with these kids; In one ear, out the other.

For me, getting girls is like spreading butter...

It's much easier with a knife.

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf

I haven’t heard from him since.

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, an eyepatch, a parrot on his shoulder and a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender says, “you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants”.

The pirate replies with, “arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts!”.

a man gets pulled over by a cop, and is asked for his license

officer: it says on your license that you need to be wearing glasses. driver: i have contacts. officer: i don't give a fuck who you know, buddy.