There jokes

Garden

I'm kinda new to gardening...

Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.

Well, I'm never doing that again...

I'll just stick to whipped cream.

Kid

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Serial killer

If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

Man

Give a man a gun, he will rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.

Weed

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

Lawyer

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

Wife

My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages....

Now we’re making money hand over fist

Job

They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

Refrigerator

earlier today I dropped an ice cube

It slipped under the refrigerator and I couldn't reach it. I was really upset about it at first but now I'm over it. water under the fridge.

Difference

I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.

Laugh

I always get the last laugh

Because no one else laughs at my jokes

Girlfriend

I asked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait..

Her answer may shock you!

Bus

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

Branch

What's the only branch of the government that actually listens to its people?

NSA

Grade

I think I'm failing my marine biology class

My grade is below C level.

Lady

An old lady Offers the bus driver some peanuts to which he happily eats....

Every five minutes she gives him more peanuts... Driver: why don't you eat them yourself? Old lady: I can't chew I have no teeth look! Driver: Then why do you buy them? Old lady: Oh I just like the chocolate around them.

Grandpa

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."