The carpenter came home one day...
A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.
In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.
He then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next he picked up a hacksaw.
The terrified man, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
My neighbor was banging on my door at three in the morning.
It's a good fucking thing I was up playing my bagpipes.
Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....
Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?
Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.
What's an Anti-Vaxxer kids favorite game?
Half Life
Why do Foot fetishists make terrible Olympians?
They love the taste of defeet.
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
for meatier showers.
Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.
The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.
Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?
A red bucket.
Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?
A red bucket in disguise.
My 8 year old son...the comedian.
I poured my root beer into a square cup
Now I've just got beer.
Fatherhood
A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.
Why can’t T-rexes clap?
Cause they’re extinct
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
An Atheist and a Christian walk into a bar...
...they proceed to have a few drinks and enjoy each others company because they're not pretentious assholes
What did Piccolo say to Frieza?
Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z.
In another 3029 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050
An old woman reaches the end of her life..
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...
But no one ever drowns