*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate
Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”
John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.
Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife’s dick”
Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.
Wizard: He has spells?
Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it, he shouts "Cast iron!"
If you had $1 for every time you've masturbated
What color would your Bugatti be?
Little Timmy was annoyed by his father
because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.
And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.
Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ever could.
So the next time his father made the same comment Little Timmy very loudly said - Uncle Jim has been deeper in her than you ever could.
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
I don't have a great relationship with my doctor.
In fact, I feel sick every time I see her.
A little girl comes home with $20
And runs straight to her mum
"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"
The next day the girl comes home with $50
"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"
The girl responded
"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:
Drink a whiskey drink
Drink a vodka drink
Drink a lager drink
Drink a cider drink
Sing the songs that remind you of the good times
Sing the songs that remind you of the better times
A young naive couple get married NSFW
After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.
‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.
His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses.
A few minutes later the dad gets another call, but this time it’s the daughter in law and she’s hysterical
‘You gotta come here quick. Dave’s got his head stuck in the toilet!’
“Give it to me straight doc, how long do I have left?”
“Ten.”
“Ten what?”
“Nine”
The Job Interview
Me: "Time travel"
Potential Employer: "What would you say is your greatest stre-WHAT THE FUCK?!?
Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937
They discussed why they had been arrested.
"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"
"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"
"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks
And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.
This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
A husband and wife sit in their bed.
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
A man walks into the store to buy condoms
Cashier: This is your third time buying condoms this week! What's your secret?
Man: what can I say, the ladies love me. In fact , Ive probably slept with every girl in this county except my sister and my mother.
Cashier: Huh. Well between the two of us we've got 'em all then!
What does Big Foot keep time with?
His sasqwatch