A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”
One day, I went to a store and bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I went to that store again and got a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
Frustrated, I went to that store one last time and bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle!
The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite
So he went back four seconds
Several thousand letters were just delivered to me
That's the last time I order a fucking dictionary from IKEA.
What's the difference between a good joke?
and a bad joke timing
I lost 50 pounds once
sadly I was in England at the time.
I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.
Bet she didn't see that coming.
I like to start every morning with a good fuck.
Oh fuck...it's time to get up.
Woman has a sore throat and asks for help
So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.
The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"
The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.
Coworker asks "Did it work"
Woman says "Yes! And your husband couldn't believe that this was your idea!".
I believe it when they say Kim Jong-un doesn't pee or poop...
Why else would he be so pissed and full of shit all the time?
I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"
I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"
A tourist goes to see Beethoven's grave in Austria
And, to his shock, he sees the great musician seated next to his grave, erasing pieces of paper with his symphonies written on them.
The tour guide leans over to his visibly startled guest and says, "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He's decomposing."
How is a woman like a condom?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick!
I just made money for the first time as a programmer
I sold my laptop
What did the Dried Fish say to the other Dried Fish?
Long time no Sea.
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”
The man replied, “There are three reasons.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”
Girls are evil...
(Saw this about 10 years ago)
If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:
Girls = time × money
But:
time = money
So:
Girls = money x money
Which means:
Girls = money^2
Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So:
Money = sq.root(evil)
And now:
Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2
Which means:
Girls = Evil
A guy is sitting in a bar drinking.
After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls.
He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again,
he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.
His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"
A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.
She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“
“It was 1959“, says the pilot.
"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"
Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
