A gay man and his male friend are hanging out at his house...
After a while of playing games, talking, and watching TV, the friend gets hungry. He turns to his gay buddy and asks:
"Hey, I am gonna order some subs, do you want any?"
The gay man replies: "No, sorry, I only do doms."
A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.
They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.
One sign read "The End is Near!"
The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"
He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.
He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.
One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"
NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...
So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.
My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.
Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!
My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.
Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.
Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;
Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.
What's the speed limit of sex?
68 – at 69 you have to turn around.
My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...
when do I get my adult supervision?
A kid is selling lemonade...
The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade. "25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢... Maybe lemonade stands aren’t your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.
Turns out they were firefighters.
One minute you're young and fun...
The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.
I met a lovely lady last night.
Although she was 57 she was very sexy and funny, she asked me if I fancied a Mother-Daughter threesome? I jumped at the chance,so we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light.
And shouts out, "Mum are you still awake."
How do Germans turn lights off?
The offschwitz
Mozart, Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger are getting ready to throw a Halloween party. Mozart turns to Arnie and asks, "what's your costume going to be?"
"I'll be Bach"
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her Tourettes.
Turns out she doesn't have Tourettes.
I am a Cunt and she really does want me to Fuck off.
Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving
A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, "The brakes must have gone out." The programmer says, "Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable."