A Soviet citizen turns on the TV
On the first channel, Brezhnev is delivering a speech. The man switches to the second channel: Brezhnev again. Channel three: still Brezhnev. He turns to the fourth channel, and it’s showing a KGB colonel who shakes his fist and warns: "You’d better stop changing channels..."
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey
An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus
His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.
A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your cane, you wouldn't have this much trouble."
The old man replies: "Boy, I would be sitting down on this bus if only your father put on that rubber"
I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.
And I'm thinking,
"Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.
Smiling, the Scotsman smoothed out his kilt and turned to the Newfie. "Go on," he said, "It's your turn."
"Okay!" said the Newfie, and stuck his head in the fence.
A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.
He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.
The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!
Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".
Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.
One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?” The second replies “yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs!”
An elderly couple goes to annual check up together
During the exam husband starts explaining how he and God have an arrangement. "You see, if I need to take a leak during the night I simply go to the bathroom and God turns on the light for me." Doctor nods but of course he finds that a bit strange. So he brings up the issue with the wife, explaining what husband told him. Wife is shocked: "Oh bloody hell, he's been pissing in the fridge again!"
Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...
Guess I really am... Independent!
When I was a lad, my father told me I should never go to a whore house.
He said that I might see something there that I shouldn't see.
When I turned 18, my curiosity got the better of me, and I went to a whore house. And I did see something I shouldn't see: I saw my dad there.
What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison?
They both turn "o" into "O".
A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'
'yup'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'
'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'
'yup'
'Wow, can't turn that down.'
The government offered to buy back all my guns
I turned them down
I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.
*NSFW-ish* Two nuns
Two nun's are crossing the road when a vampire jumps out. Nun 1 turns to Nun 2 and says "Quick, show him your cross" Nun 2 turns to the Vampire and says "Oi, Fuck off!"
Two electric windmills are standing in a field.
One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?" The second one replies "I'm a huge metal fan".
I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.
It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!
I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...
... he made a bolt for the door.
Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire
It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat
Just been chatting to my neighbor's teenage daughter
It turns out she's really into aliens and UFOs
Which is cool because tommorow she's getting abducted
A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.
"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man
"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman
The man turns to his wife and says: "See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"