The pretty teacher was concerned with
one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
Just burnt my hawaiian pizza in my oven tonight..
Should have used aloha temperature....
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach!
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscle's just to keep our balance when we stand.
The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb.
I was brought up as an only child.
I enjoyed it, but it used to really piss off my sister.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
What do pigs use when they get hurt?
Oink-ment
(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)
They used to be called "Jumpolines"
Till your mother had a go.
My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens"
He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car
Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me
A southern girl and a northern girl meet.
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
It says here on your resume that you were a m-misogynist?
"Yes, I used to give massages."
"OHH! I was confused because--"
"Because you're a woman?"
Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work?
Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns
Husband: Divorce is strong in this one
My girlfriend once used Vaseline when she gave me a handjob . .
I came four or five times trying to wash it off.
A teacher asks her students,"Can anybody spell before?"
Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r.Before."
"No that is wrong.Sit down."say4s the teacher."
"Frankie, can you spell before?"
Frankie stands up and says, "Before.B - e- e- f -o-r.Before!"
"No, that's not right either.Tyrone, can you spell before?"
Tyrone stands up and says,"Before.
B-e-f-o-r-e! Before!"
"Outstanding!"says the teacher."Now, can you use it in a sentence?"
Tyrone stands up and says,
" 2+2 before."
