Use jokes

So I was at the Library today

.. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

My friends and I used to love a good game of Russian Roulette.

Unfortunately, they're a bunch of sore losers and won't play it with me anymore.

Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America?

They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

Why doesn't America use the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

I used to like Mitch Hedberg

I still do, but I used to too

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

Why do the Romans use more eggs in their omelets than the French?

Because the Romans feel that when it comes to eggs, you can't have too many ovum.

But in France, they believe that one egg is un ouef.

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"

Warning to all men about eBay.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to

check out the seller carefully.

I just spent £95 + postage,

on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body. Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight. I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads

"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

I tired to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi”

What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip ?

We used to be tight before we let some dick get between us.

My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.

How did Stephen Hawking please his woman? He used a hard drive.

Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.