Use jokes

What shampoo does Stephen Hawking use? Head & Shoulders.

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high...

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

My 5 year-old son caught me having sex with my wife.

He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"

"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.

"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."

I can't believe...!

Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!! Person 2: Who?! Person 1: My ass cheeks.

I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol

#1 Handjob Tip for Women:

Use your mouth.

What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?

I used to think you were crazy, but now I see your nuts.

My dad used to beat me while playing chess...

Because I'd always win.

I used to hate Nihilist humor...

but nothing is funny to me now.

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

What do Mexicans use to cut pizzas?

Little Ceasers

What does Mario use to talk to dead people?

A Luigi Board

PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.

That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

I used to be addicted to hokey pokey

But I turned myself around.

I'm like a credit card.

I'm always being used or denied.

What do Germans use to clean their shoes?

Polish.

Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.

Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"

The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."

The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed

I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"

We opened for The Doors