Use jokes

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...

She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I used to be heavily addicted to soap...

Don’t worry, I’m clean now.

Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic? Mom: Of course not. Son: Well neither would he.

do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. Nobody would laugh, but then immediately after Neil would follow up with, "Ah well, I guess you had to be there."

Communism works on paper

Unless that paper is used in a history book

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use Lubricant.

My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

And then I thought, look what's telling me that.

What did the communist use before they used candles?

electricity.

My life used to be a joke

But then I became a dad. So now it's a dad joke

(I just came up with this, so either it's terrible, or not original. Likely both.)

I like using self-deprecating humor.

I'm just not very good at it.

I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.

Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless.

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo

A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".

I’m using viagra for my sunburn

It doesn’t make it hurt any less but it keeps the sheets off my legs

I used to be a phone sex operator...

But I got hearing aids.