Walk jokes

From my nine year old...

He walked up to me tore a piece of paper and walked away, I look at the paper it says "my puns" I ask what that was about, he says " I know... My puns are tear-able"... Thats my boy

A pun walks into a room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your fuckin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

A duck walks into a store

“Got any duct tape?”

The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”

The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”

“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.

A while later, the duck comes back with a hat and glasses. “Got any duct tape?”

“No, you stupid duck!!! And if you ask me again, I’ll staple your beak to the floor!”

The duck pauses.

“Got any staples?”

“Err... no...”

“Got any duct tape?”

I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.

“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”

“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”

“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”

EA walks into a bar.

Unlock the punchline for $9.99.

Mark went for a walk in the park.

As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"

He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"

There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.

"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.

Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"

"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".

A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....

As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".

Son told his dad he loves the girl next door

"Son, you can't love her. She's my secret daughter with another wife."

"But dad, what about the other girl next next door?"

"Sorry, son. She's also my secret daughter with the other wife."

Son walks away with tears in his eyes after knowing the truth. Mom heard it all and approaches to him

"Honey, you can love the girls next door if you want to. You're not your dad's son anyway."

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

A man walks into a bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The bartender replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar, and I'm blonde. So, do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "Forget that! I ain't explaining the joke four times."

It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.

The other day at school, we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking walked into a bar. Just kidding. :(

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He said "I fired her as well"

I hate engineer students, they always walk around saying "I'm an engineer" this, or "I'm an engineer" that.

You don't hear a math student say "i'm a mathematician" or an art student say "i'm a barista".

Harry Potter walks into a bar.

Because I put them on his bedroom window.