A rich guy and his poor drinking buddy were at the bar before Christmas...
The rich guy, making small talk, goes
"So I got my wife a new diamond ring and a BMW for Christmas. That way if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll still love the Beemer!"
The poor guy goes:
"Huh, well I got my wife a pair of pantyhose and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the pantyhose, she can go fuck herself."
(Thanks Dad.)
What if I tell you there is a way to stop all the kids in the school making fun of you because you are still a virgin?
Just start giving them bad grades.
What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?
Tip him for the pizza.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"
In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.
Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!
poof
His penis touches the floor.
His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.
A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.
The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”
The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.”
The owner is shocked and confused: “Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?”
The man replied: “I’m trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.”
Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.
He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I’d like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
A Priest and a Prostitute
One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner.
Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?"
The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?
White people look both ways before they start...
A judge in Soviet Russia walks out of a courtroom giggling to himself.
Another judge stops him and asks what's so funny.
"Oh man, I just heard this joke about Comrade Stalin in my courtroom."
"I wan't to hear it" says the second judge.
The first judge says, "No way, I just gave someone 25 years in the gulag for it."
My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill
It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways..... and she hasn’t woken up once.
"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."
"Yahweh."
I like to masterbate while I jog
That way, when I’ve finished, I can turn around and see how far I’ve come.
A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.
“I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”
“No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....
“That’s the spirit!”
What's Harry Potter's favourite way of getting down a hill?
Walking.
...
JK Rolling.
The other day I had sex with my third cousin.
She was way better than the other two.
Me: When I donate my blood
I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.
Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
My wife and I decided we only want one kid.
Now we just need to figure out a way to let the other one know she has to go.