Wife jokes

My wife said she would leave me if I kept pointing at inanimate objects...

I said “there’s the door”

Wife: "You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events"

Me: "okay, I'll get out the wedding video"

What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?

Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.

Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic is when they both are.

My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting "Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!". "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing, she is just having contractions."

A guy is sitting home alone, when suddenly he hears a knock on the door.

He gets up to answer. There are two policemen outside. They ask him if he's married. He says yes and the policemen want to see the photo of the wife. He gets one and shows it to them. The policemen exchange sad looks and one of them says: "I'm very sorry, but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck." "Yeah I guess, but she's got a great sense of humor and cooks a hell of a brisket."

My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president

Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."

Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"

Happy Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

My wife and I share a sense of humour

We have to. She doesn't have one.

I have good friends, a wife that loves me, and a family that respects me

You want me to leave that behind and take my schizophrenia medication?

Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she's ever met

"Fair enough." I said.

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months

I don’t like to interrupt her.

I just found out that i have two weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex".

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".