Wife jokes

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone. I need to check something." I just look at her crazy.

I don't even let my wife do that.

A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.

The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.

A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.

He ordered them to all drop their pants. They all had injured penises but one. The king went up to this knight and said, “thank you for being so loyal to me.” The knight nodded, and replied, “Oh, ith nothing, thir.”

The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

A husband and wife were sleeping one night

When they wake up the next morning, the wife says, "I had a funny dream. I dreamt that there was an auction and they were auctioning off penis'. Little ones were $10, big ones were $100"

"How much was were the ones like mine going for?"

"They were giving them away."

"Well," He says, "I had a similar dream. I dreamed that there was an auction for vaginas. Big ones were $10 and little ones were $100."

"What about ones like mine?" She inquires.

"That's where they had the auction!"

My wife was mad at my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, “Oh my God, was it moving?”

I said, “A few people were crying, but I was fine.”

A man and a wife are sitting outside...

The wife is bent over in the garden and the man exclaims "Damn! Your butt is almost as wide as the barbecue!" She proceeds to garden and brushes off the remark. Later on that night the man nudges his wife and asks her for some fun. She replies "If you think i'm firing up this grill for one little wiener, you got another thing coming."

Not my joke, I only wish I was this funny...

Ten years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny

I did a suprise bukkake party for my wife...

Everybody came. You should have seen her face!

A policeman knocked at my door.....

I answered and he said "Mr. Smith? it's your wife, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in an accident."

I said "I know, but she has a great personality and is a wonderful m̶u̶m̶ cook."

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"

Wife: -"Yes I promise"

Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"

My best friend ran away with my wife....

I miss him.

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

A husband and wife are winding down in the bedroom getting ready to go to sleep

Husband "You want me to put some on TV"

Wife "Sure honey, you can pick"

Husband "Okay, I am picking either golf or porn, what do you think?"

Wife "Porn, definitely porn. You're already good at golf"

Subway is a lot like prostitution.

You're paying someone else to do your wife's job.

"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Waiter : “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”