Wife jokes

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra.

And she's a bitch.

A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"

Introducing my girlfriend to my family..

me: so this is my girlfriend Janine

Janine: hi

wife: what the fuck

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."

So I got her nothing

A woman says to her engineer husband...

"Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.

A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.

"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man

"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman

The man turns to his wife and says: "See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

A man misses the bus...

A man on the way home just misses the bus. He runs after it in the hope to catch it, but ends up running all the way to his home.

There he tells his wife : Honey, I did something great today. I saved 3€ by running after the bus.

She responds: Stupid you. You should have been running after the taxi instead to save even more money.

What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I'm home!!

The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You.”

My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday"

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot. He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave. As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.” “That I married you only for your money.”

My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy...

That we have health insurance.

My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages....

Now we’re making money hand over fist

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

My wife made me promise to stop making stupid jokes

So I got a vasectomy

My wife recently became a crossing guard at our sons school.

She hates when I ask how the child trafficking is going.