Wife jokes

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

My wife took her shirt and bra off during an argument, which I was winning.

It was a booby trap.

A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.

“I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”

“No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....

“That’s the spirit!”

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

It's difficult to say what my wife does.

She sells seashells on the seashore

A deaf couple are struggling to initiate sex...

A deaf couple is struggling to initiate sex in the dark of night, so they decide to sit down and communicate a work around.

The wife starts writing on a notepad, “If you want to have sex with with me, squeeze my left breast once, and if you don’t want to have sex with me squeeze my right breast once, sound good?”. The husband agrees, and picks up the pen, “If you want to have sex with me, pull my dick once, if you don’t want to have sex with me pull my dick 1,345 times, sound good?”.

For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.

My Wife told me to treat her like a princess

So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel

I tried to remarry my ex-wife

But she figured out I was only after my money

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s mind once and for all.

“You see,” she told him, “he was struck by a drunk driver.”

“I wasn’t drunk.” He replied.

my friend invited me over for a three-some with him and his wife

After about ten minutes of just going at it I said: okay seriously. When is your wife getting home?

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

My wife and I decided we only want one kid.

Now we just need to figure out a way to let the other one know she has to go.

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.

If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

How does a burger introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly