All the proof you need.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...
If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.
A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.
“I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”
“No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....
“That’s the spirit!”
Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...
Will get a free Venti later
Yay got a PS5 for my kid.
She cried a bit when I left but I'm sure her new parents will love her.
A turkey was about to cross the road...
when a chicken appeared and said "dont do that that, you will never hear the end of it"
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
“Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. “Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist?
At some point in it’s life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.
What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?
A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.
It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.
They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.
Mom: "How was school today, Noah?"
Noah: "It was awesome! Today we made explosives!"
Mom: "Very interesting. What will you do in school tomorrow?"
Noah: "What school?"
Romania: Hey Hungary!
Romania: Wanna hear a joke?
Hungary: Sure!
Romania: Transilvania.
Hungary: I don't get it.
Romania: You will never get it.
Only 2010's kids will get this...
Measles
Saudi Arabia’s gay pride anthem
“We will! We will! Rock you!”
In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .
It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!
The Washington Redskins finally decided to drop their offensive name.
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
I told my wife that I will buy her a diamond necklace for her birthday
She said nothing will please her more
So I bought her nothing instead
A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....
I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’ ‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’ ‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’ ‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us
Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”
Dracula - “Vie.”
Me - “It’s for a crossword.”
I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.