Will jokes

Death

I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

Inflation

The sex position 69 will now be called 96

This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.

Milkman

Milk Order

A milkman gets an order for 40 gallons of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.

When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 40 gallons. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.

"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"

"No," says the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine."

Scientist

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

Person

Only self aware people will understand this joke.

You know who you are.

Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

Family

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "Bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun." And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork." The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!"

Accident

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Grandpa

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you clown!"

Group

Why do koi always swim in groups of 4?

So that while the A koi, B koi and C koi escape the predator will always go for the D koi

Coma

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

Dude

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night...

He had 7 dudes on stage, all hypnotized, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F*** ME". What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.

Man

Blind man goes for surgery

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.

"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."

How is the Quran like weed?

Burning that shit will get you stoned.