Dude

A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar

They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.

The bartender says "that'll be 2020"

I asked a tall dude “how’s the weather up there?”

He spat on me and told me it’s raining

Lost my watch at a party once.

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

There are a lot of double standards in dating. Like if a girl has sex with a bunch of dudes, she called a "slut."

If I do it, I'm called a "homosexual."

Don't drive like my brother...

I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."

Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ever could.

So the next time his father made the same comment Little Timmy very loudly said - Uncle Jim has been deeper in her than you ever could.

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night...

He had 7 dudes on stage, all hypnotized, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F*** ME". What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.

Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.

Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”

Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"

I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"

Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually

An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.

iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!!

Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag?

iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.

What did the capital O say to the capital Q?

Dude, your dick's hanging out..

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends their "partner in crime". Like we get it dude she's underage