My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"
"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."
Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.
I’ve been working on it tirelessly.
A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.
After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.
The father asks his kid “what’s the matter son?”
The kid replies “where are all the clowns that you say you work with?”
Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids
“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”
Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates
“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”
My wife is a horrible singer .
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
A woman is sitting in a park one day, watching two men work. The first man digs a hole, and then the second man fills it back in. Then the first man digs another hole, and again, the second man fills it back up. They keep doing this over and over again. Finally, the women asks them, “Why do you keep digging holes and filling them back in?” One of the guys replies, “Well, usually there’s a third guy here who puts in the tree, but he’s out sick today.”
What's black and doesn't work?
Decaf coffee
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
The Talking Clock
A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge door...
It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers."
I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for work?
Bison
Why are there ornamental cannons on the state house lawns?
They are a monument to the state employees. They don't work and are impossible to fire.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.
Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.
They say a woman's work is never done
maybe that's why they get paid less.
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.
His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”
“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work
I asked my girlfriend to 69
She sighed and said, “how bout instead we 9p?”
I got really excited- “I’ve never done that before! How does it work?”
“Well, you lay that way, I lay this way, and then we go the fuck to sleep”
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra.
And she's a bitch.
The pretty teacher was concerned with
one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"