65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?
One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.
Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?
My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
If you were 8 years old when "Red, Red Wine" was released
UB40 now.
How do you get an 80 year old woman to scream "Fuck"?
Get another 80 year old woman to scream "BINGO!"
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...
“What did you just call it?!” I cried.
“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.
And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.
I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous
For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?
Honey, let's get naked!
This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, "Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!"
As they sat at the dining table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"
The husband says, "That is because you have your breasts in the soup!"
In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
What does someone walking a tightrope have in common with a guy getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman?
Both guys are thinking “Don’t look down, just don’t look down”.
My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?
Camelflage
Two old guys were chatting in the park.
"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy. "What happened?" asked the other guy. "We met," sighed the first.
Sex could be fatal...
An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.
He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.
The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."
The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."
I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.
The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.
Doctor, how can I live 100 years?
Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?
Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.
The child didn't look surprised.