A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”
I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018
It's my new year's resolution.
I asked my 5 year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday?
She said, she wanted unicorns,fairies and rainbows.
LSD it is then.
A judge in Soviet Russia walks out of a courtroom giggling to himself.
Another judge stops him and asks what's so funny.
"Oh man, I just heard this joke about Comrade Stalin in my courtroom."
"I wan't to hear it" says the second judge.
The first judge says, "No way, I just gave someone 25 years in the gulag for it."
For years, my wife and I had sex as soon as we woke up. Sadly, she passed away.
Now I wake up every day with mourning wood.
A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked. He asks, "honey, why are you standing there looking at yourself naked?"
She responds, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 35 year old"
Her husband responds, "hmmm...did he say anything about your 60 year old ass?"
She answered, "No actually we didn't talk about you at all"
Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...
...never to be heard from again.
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
I got Botox and I asked the doctor “how many years younger will this make me look?”
He said “zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.”
MTV turns 40 this year.
Thanks for 14 years of music.
Dead Again
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...
Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
I like my women like I like my wine
Eight years old and locked up in a cellar
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
Girls are evil...
(Saw this about 10 years ago)
If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:
Girls = time × money
But:
time = money
So:
Girls = money x money
Which means:
Girls = money^2
Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So:
Money = sq.root(evil)
And now:
Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2
Which means:
Girls = Evil
At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years.
Ok, I'll be back in two years.
They told me i couldn't eat the food i forgot in my basement 50 years ago
Little did they know i can
Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten...
It's called wedding cake
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
