You jokes

Are you a basketball hoop? Because I want to put my balls in you.

Are you a photo biographer? Because I can picture us together.

So a man orders a dozen margaritas.

A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.

The bartender says, "Wow, what's the special occasion?"

The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."

The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How 'bout an extra margarita on the house?"

The man replied, "No thanks, if 12 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."

What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador.

What do lesbian pirates say while having sex?

“Scissor me timbers”

There's an old saying that goes "You are what you eat".

I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.

Why does Hitler like acetone?

It's a Polish Remover

Why does the Earth make fun of the moon?

Because it has no life

My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.

The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”

The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to the 18th century.”

The owner is shocked and confused: “Dear God, but what does that have to do with the job?”

The man replied: “I’m trying to say I come from a long line of Bart enders.”

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

The Pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

The Optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The Realist sees the approaching freight train.

The Train Driver sees 3 idiots about to get run over...

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why couldn't the pickle leave the bar?

Because the door was ajar!

They all laughed when I told them that I would discover the secrets of invisibility

If only they could see me now

GF: See you later, love you xxx

**Me:** love you too

**GF:** Babe, it would mean a lot to me if you'd put some X's at the end of your reply xxx

**Me:** ok, love you too Donna, Yolanda, Sharon, Vicky

A man drives up to a stop sign and rolls through it.

Shortly after a cop pulls him over. The cop asks, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” The man says, “No”. The cop says, “ You ran a stop sign back there”. The man says, “OK, but I slowed down though”. The cop then asks, “Could you please step out of the vehicle, Sir?” The man gets out of his car. The cop pulls out his night stick and begins beating him. The man yells, “STOP, STOP!” The cops say, “Oh, you want me to slow down?”

What's the difference between an American girl and a Muslim girl?

The American girl gets stoned before sex.

5 penises

A man visits his doctor and tells him,

"You've got to help me doc. I've got 5 penises!"

To which the doctor replies,

"5 penises! How do your pants fit?"

"Like a glove!"

Why don't lawsuits last very long?

Because most lawyers have briefcases.