You jokes

What is the difference between Disney and brazzer?

Disney teaches you how to hate your step mom while Brazzer teaches you how you can show your love.

What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?

15 seconds, give or take.

Extreme Sexual Exhaustion

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

I got tired jogging in front of the car

So I ran behind it, but soon became exhausted.

TIL the pool on the titanic is still filled with water to this day.

Oh wait...

Joe was standing in line at the bank...

... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.

The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".

In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you out.

The man looks at him and says: Yea? I'm a lawyer, you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me!

A hooker goes to the doctor

She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant

"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"

"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"

Why do we have Pop-Tarts and not Mom-Tarts?

Because of the Pastry-archy

A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.” The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.” The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female ?”

The customer says, “Female.”

The counter guy asks, “Black or white?”

The customer says, “White.”

The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?”

The customer says, “What does religion have to do with it?”

The counter guy says, “The Muslim one blows itself up.”

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

My friend asked me how I got such a nice body

I tell him "you have to choose your victim wisely"

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

First Time

**My new girlfriend says that our first sexual experience should feel like a fairy tale.**

**I'm looking for 7 midgets to join us this evening. No weirdos please.**

Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?

He was on stage one day and said "Uno...dos..." and then he disappeared without a tres.

My first time having sex was a lot like my first high-school football game.

I was bruised and bloody in the end but at least my dad came.

Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang! The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

His visit to the eye doctor.

A man was scheduled to go to an eye exam, so he walks in and gets it done. When the doctor walks into the office, he has a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?” the patient asks. “Well, your test results don’t look too good” said the doctor. The patient replied, “well can I see them?” The doctor answered, “probably not.”

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

(One of my favorite jokes for my cakeday)