In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.
Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!
poof
His penis touches the floor.
His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.
A mummy calls a restaurant.
• Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
•Could you spell it out, please?
•Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.
When one door closes another one opens
“That’s all well and good”, I told the car dealer, “but I’m not buying the car until you fix it!”
What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was communist
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere
They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid.
Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?
When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage.
I do not want unlucky people working in our company
I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...
...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.
An Amish Woman
Amish woman(riding a horse and buggy) gets pulled over because reflector on her buggy is broken.. cop says, “you might want to have your husband look at your reflector” He notices a rope wrapped around the horse’s balls...”and ma’am, some folks might find that rope offensive”. The lady later makes it home and tells her husband about the event. “cop says the reflector is busted... and he didn't like the emergency brake neither”
“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.
Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?
"Thank you for the glass of milk earlier", I said to the sperm bank employee.
"What glass of milk?", he replied.
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.
"Oh my god!"
Me: What?
"That was my glass of milk."
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?
It’s when a British person takes a good look at something
To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?
....Gatherer
A woman goes to her Gynecologist. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.
Woman: "Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina." The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those Aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas."
"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you"
A doctor and an archeologist start flirting
After a while of the doctor asks: -“What do you do for a living” -“Im an archeologist” she answers The doctor responds: -“Then I guess this isnt going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people”
What do you call eating ass on an airplane?
Skyrim
The Telegram
"Telegram"
Oh boy, I've always wanted a singing telegram!
"Oh, it's not a singing telegram, just a regular telegram"
Oh come on, you can sing it, can't ya?
"I really shouldn't"
How about for $5?
"Ugh... I don't think so"
$10?
"Sir..."
$20?! Come on man, I have wanted a singing telegram all my life. You got to.
"I don't feel comfortable..."
You stupid punk. OK... $50. Can you just sing the stupid telegram?!
"Ok, sir... you asked for it"
"Buh-duh bud-duh, buh-buh... your sister Rose is dead..."
Are you Nike? Because we should just do it.