You jokes

There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise why would we call ours “Earth” worms

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die"

I was surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

Baby are you communist?

Because there is an uprising in my lower class

Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?

Because everyone there hates integration.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq

.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

I often wonder if my Thai girlfriend is actually a ladyboy...

Something inside me says, yes.

Fun fact : Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

A priest and a man are standing next to each other at a urinal...

The man cannot help himself and looks over at the priest. He notices the priest has a nicotine patch on his penis. Puzzled, the man asks, "Father why do you have a nicotine patch on your penis for?" The priest replies, "well, since I've started wearing these I am down to two butts a day."

Have you heard the joke about paper?

Never mind, it’s tearable.

Perfect on the spot SFW joke

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says: "Right, this looks like a fair fight."

The p‌‌olice c‌‌alled t‌‌o t‌‌ell m‌‌e t‌‌hat m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he h‌‌ospital.

"How i‌‌s s‌‌he?", I‌‌ a‌‌sked.

"Very c‌‌ritical", r‌‌eplied t‌‌he o‌‌fficer.

"The f‌‌uck i‌‌s s‌‌he c‌‌omplaining a‌‌bout n‌‌ow?"

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

Several thousand letters were just delivered to me

That's the last time I order a fucking dictionary from IKEA.